


Too Many Secrets

by rosetintmyworld



Series: Secrets Best Kept [5]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Codas for secrets best kept, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-28 07:46:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12601700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosetintmyworld/pseuds/rosetintmyworld
Summary: Codas for various chapters





	1. Mark: Chapter 8

**Author's Note:**

> First up, chapter 8 coda

I could feel Jaebum’s forearm against my throat and I pushed against him. It didn't seem to do anything, because he was still bearing down on my windpipe.

“What the fuck did you do to him?” He yelled and I tried to push him off again. I didn’t do anything to Jinyoung besides help him, and this is where it got me.

I couldn’t breathe, and I could feel his weight pushing against my airways.

He meant to kill me.

I needed to get him off of me.

“Gaga, help!” I called without meaning to.

I was afraid, afraid of what Jaebum was going to do to me, afraid for what was going through his mind at the moment.

I watched Jackson speed into the room, the door rebounding against the wall with a loud bang.

His eyes scanned the room, obviously looking for me, before finding me.

His face lit up in anger quickly.

“Get the fuck off of him!” Jackson yelled at the man, putting his arms on Jaebum’s shoulder and pulling him off of me.

I fell to my knees as Jackson and Jaebum began to fight.

I struggled to catch my breath.

“No, no Stop!” Jinyoung called halfheartedly and I looked up at the boy on the bed. He was the reason this was happening, if only he would tell the truth.

“Tell him the truth, tell him Jinyoung!” I demanded, my voice cracking because Jackson and Jaebum were still fighting, bumping into furniture and I never blamed Jinyoung for what happened to him, but this… this was his fault.

If he would just come out and say it, they wouldn't be fighting, and Jaebum wouldn't have misunderstood so badly.

“What happened to hyung, is he bleeding?” Youngjae asked from the door before his eyebrows furrowed at the two boys fighting.

“Yah! cut it out! Cut it out!” Youngjae called loudly.

“You’re scaring Bambam!” Yugyeom said as he walked into the room before going to help Youngjae separate the two.

“Jinyoung! Tell him!” I called, and I watched as he didn’t so much as flinch.

“Jinyoung, Jinyoung-ah, can you hear me? Jinyoung!” I yelled and Jinyoung didn’t move, just stared off blankly at the ceiling.

“Jinyoung!” I called, shaking him and I fell to my side on the floor as Jaebum pushed me out of the way.

“Don’t you fucking touch him you disgusting piece of shit!” Jaebum yelled and I scrambled up.

“For the last fucking time, I didn’t do this to him!”

“Get out, everyone get out,” Jaebum spoke, his voice serious and dangerous.

“Jinyoung-ah, come on, wake up,” Jaebum’s voice was low, soft as he talked to Jinyoung. “What’s wrong with hyung?” Youngjae asked and Jaebum turned back to look at us.

“Didn’t I tell you to get the fuck out? Get out!” He yelled and I clenched my jaw, helping Jackson off of the ground where Jaebum had discarded him.

“Come on, let’s go,” I whispered and Jackson pulled out of my grasp, walking out of the room ahead of me. He headed out of the front door.

I followed him.

“Hey, hey wait,” I called after the boy who was breathing hard even though he had barely taken a flight of stairs.

“Wait, Gaga, wait!” I yelled and he turned on me quickly.

His lip was bleeding, but other than that, he looked fine.

“Don’t call me that,” He hissed and I took a step back, pulling my sleeves over my fists.

“Why- why not, I always call you that,” I whispered and he pushed his hands through his hair.

“Did- did you do what Jaebum thinks you did? Did you do that to him?” Jackson bit out and I felt my jaw drop.

“Is that what you think of me?” I asked him.

“That’s not a no, Mark.”

“Did I do that to you? Have I ever even once done something you didn’t want?” I asked him, my teeth clenched.

I had to hold onto some anger, because if I didn’t, I was sure I would dissolve right in this stairwell and cry.

“No- what- that’s not a no.”

“I shouldn’t have to say no, because you should know me. You should know that I would never do something like that. Never. I haven’t even slept with Jinyoung!” I yelled, my arms falling at my side.

It was finally out there, I finally said it.

“What? But you-”

“I know, I know what I said, I know that I told you that I was hooking up with Jinyoung, but I was lying, I was lying to cover up for Jinyoung and it’s all backfiring, and everything’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do, and I’m so scared because he won’t- He won’t say what really happened to him and I can’t keep the secret anymore,” I whimpered, breaking out into tears and I felt Jackson’s hand on the back of my neck, pulling me into his arms.

I cried into his shoulder, my whole body shaking, feeling younger than I had in a long time.

I didn’t know how to deal with this, I didn’t want to deal with this.

“Who did that to him? Who did that to him?” Jackson asked me and I leaned on him even heavier, feeling his grip tighten on me.

I turned my head on his shoulder, taking a shuddering breath.

“I can’t- I promised Jinyoung I wouldn’t.” I muttered.

“Mark, listen to me, it’s not going to do any good to hold onto this, it’s not going to help him. We’ll deal with it. We’ll figure it out, but you can’t keep it a secret anymore,” He whispered and I closed my eyes, nodding into his shoulder.

“It was JYP, and I think he did something to Bambam too, I think- that’s what started this whole mess,” I whispered and he balled his fist up against my back.

“Come on, we should give Jaebum some time to cool off, If Jinyoung doesn’t tell him, we will, alright, come,” He whispered, pulling me back into the dorm and to our room, locking the door and pulling me to our bed.

I dropped into it with him, and he hugged me tight, intertwining our feet.

Maybe we could fix it.


	2. Chapter 10 Coda: Yugyeom's fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yugyeom begins to connect some bits and tries to take manners in his own hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is longer and contains a lot of dialogue from chapter ten, but it helps to contextualize things and fills in some gaps

Bammie. JB hyung wants to talk to us.” I said and he showed no sign of moving. I sighed and walked over to him. He was staring at the bedspread. I slid one hand underneath his butt and one underneath his back. He jumped.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to startle you, but something really bad happened and if I don’t bring you in here, JB hyung will kill me.” I whispered as I lifted him. He didn’t protest, he just laid his head on my shoulder. I walked him into the living room and sat him on the couch next to Jinyong. Jinyoung was wearing a large hoodie and sipping from a cup. I thought that maybe I should get Bambam some tea as well. I walked to the kitchen and poured him some before sitting it in front of him on the table. I pulled the throw blanket up over his frame.  He didn’t look up from where his eyes were glued to the floor. I sighed, confused and frustrated. I couldn’t stop looking at Bambam and at the way my clothes swamped his frame. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the fact that he was trying to make himself smaller, to condense and compact the most important thing in my life. I bit at my lip, feeling uneasy.

“Tell us what happened,” Jaebum goaded and Bambam shook his head, still avoiding his eye contact. I reached out and grabbed his hand. Bambam flinched away from me and I dropped it.

“Please, bam-ah, tell me what happened, I want to help,” I  whispered and Bambam shook his head again. 

“You can’t- there’s nothing to help, I had it under control, I was handling it.” He said, his voice breaking as he said control. My heart clenched and I couldn’t stop staring at the new self-conscious being.

“No you weren’t, Bam, I thought that too, and I was wrong, it was way out of control,” Jinyoung whispered and he looked up at him. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked between the two of them.. 

“No! I had it under control, it was- it was going to be okay, I was helping and now everything’s ruined!” Bambam yelled before squeezing his arms tighter around his legs. He was shaking now.

“What do you mean? Bambam, what do you mean?” Jinyoung asked. Bambam spoke in thai for a moment before taking a deep breath.

“I- I was helping you hyung. I just wanted to help you… Yugyeom told me about the bruises that he saw on you,” He said and I looked at him, my face confused.

“and I… you were in JYP’s office so much, I figured that maybe he was hitting you, or something, so I confronted him. He told me that I could help, that if I- If I had sex with him, that he’d- he’d leave you alone, he wouldn’t hurt you like that. But you found out and you weren’t supposed to find out. No one was supposed to know!” He cried into his knees and Jinyoung rubbed his back. I bit my lip as I watched Jinyong comfort him in ways that I hadn’t been able to in months, and now I knew why. Bambam- I wasn’t always sure of my feelings for Bambam. I wasn’t sure of what I wanted from him, but I knew that I loved him, more than I loved myself. He didn’t even look like himself. He flinched away from Jinyoung and I bit my lip. Tears were coming to my eyes. Why hadn’t I seen it?

“When- when did this start?” Jaebum asked and Bambam shook his head. 

His shoulders shook underneath the blanket that I covered him in. 

“It started when I was a trainee, but it was just… I thought it was normal. All he ever did was just- like it was just watching, mostly you know. He’d make me take off my clothes and pose and stuff or like-” Bambam began and I thought back to the trainee days, when Bambam and I first began to get close. I thought about how he always wanted me to come with him everywhere he went. It had annoyed me at first, having a little tag along constantly following me. I hadn’t understood why he did it until now. All those times that JYP had asked me to take off my shirt or dance was nothing compared to what Bambam was going through.

“Touch yourself? He said he wanted to make sure you were healthy, that you were maintaining your diet, sticking to the regimen,” Jinyoung spoke up and Bambam looked over at him. 

“Yeah,” He whispered.

“It didn’t really get too bad, until after you were legal, then it was more, he wanted more from you, until he gave you a choice, only it wasn’t really a choice, because he knew what he was doing,” 

“Hyung, how do you know?” Bambam asked softly. I looked between the two and it began to click in my head all of the things going on between the hyung line and the way Bambam had been treating me. It was all there. It had all been there and I missed it.

“Because, that’s- that’s what he did to me. He used to make me do that stuff too, always compared me to Jaebum so that it was normalized, so it sounded like this was normal, ‘well JB had abs, so you should let me make sure your body is still good,’ ‘come let me see how your muscles are developing, ‘don’t be modest, all idols take off their clothes’ ‘the fans will love your ass,” Jinyoung spat bitterly. 

“The girls are going to die for your thigh gap, bend like that, yeah you’re so good at dancing like a girl’ Pull down your pants, just a little, let me see your hipbones, they’re going to love that.” Bambam choked out and I whimpered without meaning to. I thought about all of the things that made Bambam beautiful, all of the things that he liked about himself and I thought about JYP twisting them, yanking at them until they became unrecognizable and ugly. Jinyong was talking, but I couldn’t hear it. All I could see was this broken beautiful boy in front of me and how JYP broke him. My chest began to heave.

How could someone do such a thing?

Bambam’s head snapped up and I looked toward where he was looking. I had missed something.  

“What was unintentional about it Youngjae? What was unintentional about him making me get in his lap? Of him putting his fingers- of him putting his dick in me? How did I misconstrue it?” Bambam bit out and my eyes widened. I hadn't known how far it had gone, that Bambam wasn’t a virgin anymore. 

“I didn’t-” 

“You’re right, you didn’t experience it, you didn’t get taken advantage of. So you don’t have anything to say about this.”  Bambam snapped on him. 

“I’m sorry Bam- I just don’t understand how this could have- I’m sorry,” Youngjae whimpered before getting up and going to his and Jaebum’s room, slamming the door. It was quiet for a moment and I clenched my teeth. 

“Then it all stopped, until America, that’s when shit went downhill,” Jinyoung continued when the silence became too much.

“He started making me and Yugyeom dance for him more, started making me and yugyeom take off our shirts,” Bambam filled in. He glanced at me before looking away quickly and I thought about that night, about me whining as I laid in bed next to Bambam. I thought about how he had comforted me, told me nothing weird was happening. I thought about how he held me through it, and then suddenly-

“Then it all stopped,” I whispered out, my voice surprising even me. 

“Yeah, because Bambam came to me crying, and I didn’t want anything to happen to him, not like what was happening to me, so I told him to use me instead. He told me my mouth wasn’t going to be enough this time, that I had to-” Jinyoung explained and I stared over at Bambam.

“Then I found his bloody underwear and he begged me not to tell you, begged me to keep it a secret,” Mark whispered and Jaebum looked back at him. 

“So you started the lie about Jinyoung and you sleeping together? Why would you not tell me?” He asked. 

“Because it wasn’t my secret to tell, he told me not to tell, and I told him that I didn’t like it, he told me that telling wouldn’t help. That it’d just be another open world, but worse, because they’d never convict JYP, not with Jinyoung being a male. I didn't want to make it worse, so I didn't say anything.”

“Then shit obviously got so bad that Bambam was sucked into it,” Jackson added, stubbornly refusing to wipe his tears. Bambam flinched at the mention of his name. 

“Then Jinyoung- hyung walked in on us, and now you all know,” Bambam’s face turned bright red and I reached out, my hand covering his small knee. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? We’re best friends, we tell each other everything,” I whispered trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. Bambam shook his head. 

“What was I supposed to say Yugyeom? That I was fucking JYP? That I was wrong, and all that stuff did mean something? I was afraid that you’d look at me differently, afraid that you thought I chose it, that I wanted him to-” He cut himself off, a sob coming out of his throat and I clenched my teeth.I stood up. I could hear my hyungs speaking to me, but none of it registered. The only thing I could see was Bambam. I couldn't imagine how he thought that I would think differently of him because JYP decided he couldn’t keep his filthy hands to himself. I had to do something about it. I sprinted through the street, my legs pushing me faster than I thought they could have. I ran up to JYPE, my chest heaving. I took the stairs two at a time, too angry to wait on an elevator. My face was red as I left the stairwell. I was greeted by the receptionist. 

“Yah! Where is he?” I yelled as I walked down the hall. She raised her eyebrow at me and looked me over. The way she dragged her eyes over me made me uncomfortable. I thought of Bambam and how he came up here and she had to know something. 

Did she give him the same appraising look when he came to see JYP?

“Where is he, huh? Do I look easy to you? Where the fuck is he?” I yelled as I lifted her from her seat. I gripped her by the fabric of her jacket. 

“I don’t know. He’s not here,” She yelped and I could see the fear in her eyes. I wanted her to be afraid, as afraid as Bamban was.

“Yes you do, Don’t lie to me!” I yelled at her.

“I don’t!” She cried.

“Tell me where he is or I swear to God-” I began. 

“Yah! Yugyeom! Let her go!” I heard Jackson yell. 

“No! She knows something! I know she does!” I yelled. My eyes were beginning to blur with tears. I felt as Jaebum grabbed my jacket and pulled me away from her. I snatched away from him. Jackson grabbed me around my waist to keep me from going back at her. 

“What the hell is wrong with you!” Jaebum said and I could feel myself shaking. 

“Not now, hyung,” Jackson said softly. He and Jaebum guided me to the elevator and I could feel myself beginning to break down. 

“You can’t do shit like that, Yugyeom! What was your plan? Huh?” He asked and I shook my head. 

“I don’t know, I’m just so angry! How could he do that to Bammie, or Jinyoung-hyung. It’s- They don’t deserve that!” I cried and Jaebum pulled me to his shoulder. I leaned my head down on him and Jackson patted at my back and butt like he always did when he tried to comfort me. Jaebum guided us back to the dorm. 

“Where have you been?” Jinyoung asked as we opened the door.

Jaebum pulled me into the room.

“Reining this one in. he’d made his way to JYPE, was looking for the man,” Jaebum pushed me in front of him and I heard as Jackson closed the door. I pulled off my jacket.  

“Go get in bed, don’t bother bam,” Jaebum instructed. I clenched my teeth and nodded as I headed back to the room. I pushed open the door as quietly as possible. I could see that Bambam was in my bed. I stood at the door for a minute before walking over. 

“You’re back,” He croaked out.

He hadn't been sleeping.

“Yeah.” I nodded. 

“Can I get in?” I asked and he gave me a half smile and held up my blanket. I slid in behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I rested my head on his shoulder, and it was almost like the old days. 

“I missed this. I missed us,” I blurted out. 

“I thought that you left because you hated me. Because you knew what I did with JYP and you were disgusted by me,” He whispered, his voice small and shaky with unshed tears.

“What JYP did to you,” I corrected him, “ And I could never hate you. You did nothing wrong, bam-ah,” I whispered. I could feel as he broke down in tears and I began to cry with him, my arms wrapping around him so tightly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Bam-ah,” I whispered as he cried in my arms. I could feel as he pressed his lips to my forearm that was caged around his chest. 

We had to get away from this place.


	3. I found out: JYP's Wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13 coda. This is how the video gets leaked. POV is JYP'S wife.

“Jinyoung-ah, Oppa!” I called out to no one in particular. I walked around the house as I looked for my laptop charger. I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Ah! Seriously! This is what I get for letting you borrow it,” I whispered. I stood at the door of his study... I wasn’t even sure why we had this room, because he was never home. He was always at the headquarters, writing for members or recording, or who knows what. I sighed. It was hard being the wife of such an important company president. Not only did I never get to see him, but there was always girls prettier and younger than me, vying for his attention. I worked hard to keep my figure and be good to him. He gave me everything I could ever want, except his time. I knew it would be hard though, he was so famous and unlike his first wife, I wasn’t famous at all, because of this I could never be seen with him in public. It was hard on us, but we made it work. I worried about him so often. He was a public figure and he traveled so much. He also made so much money, and I was afraid for him. I winced as I thought about how he had been mugged coming home from the office a couple of weeks ago. I told him that he should get a bodyguard or something, but he claimed that it was unnecessary. He didn’t see his face the way I did. I stayed up all night that night, holding ice packs to his face and wiping the blood away. He looked like something in him had died that night, I didn’t know what it was, but it scared me so much.

I pushed open the door and walked over to his desk. His desk was immaculate as always. The man was cleaner than any other that I had ever been with and he took care of himself well. I was very lucky to be with a man of such high esteem as him. I sat down and pulled open his drawers looking for my charger. I got to the last drawer and pulled on it. It was locked. I frowned at it for a second. I resigned myself to leave it alone, it wasn’t for me to open. I sighed and got up to look around the room for the charger. I sighed in frustration as I checked in his laptop bag and saw that it wasn’t there either. I felt like tearing my hair out. I just needed to type up a quick thank you letter to a friend of mine for a favor and of course I couldn’t find the stupid charger. I slid my phone from my back pocket and dialed JYPE.

“Yeobosayo?” The receptionist asked and I bowed, though she couldn’t see me. 

“Yeobosayo, Unnie. I was wondering if I could talk to JYP, this is his wife,” I said. She paused for a second. 

“He’s busy at the moment,” She said in a way that made me very uneasy. 

“Okay, well, do you know when he’ll be done?” I asked. She made a uncertain noise in the back of her throat.

“Who knows,” She said and I bit my lip. 

“Okay-” I began and she hung up. I sighed. She was always a bit rude when I talked to her on the phone.  I sat down in JYP’s chair and opened the lid on is laptop. I would just use his and when he got home, I would just ask him where my charger was. I turned on his laptop and bit at my nail. I waited a couple of seconds as it booted up before opening a word processor. I began to type in silence, my fingers just tapping the keys. I paused for a second and pulled down the tab. It was too quiet and the tapping of my fingers was starting to annoy me. I opened his documents and saw a file labeled music. I clicked through until I saw one labeled new music. I smiled, I loved listening to his demos for groups. I clicked on it and waited for it to load. I was surprised when a video loaded instead of a song. I pressed play and it buffered for a moment. I paused the video and shielded my eyes as soon as it began to play. I uncovered my eyes, unsure of what I was seeing. I slowly pressed play and was met with Jinyoung’s soft moans. The camera was pointed to downward to reveal a boy- and really that’s all he was- on his knees in front of Jinyoung.

_ “Careful with your teeth, Aegi, you don’t want to hurt Appa, do you?” Video Jinyoung asked, his hands harshly pulling the boy back. He asked, the boy had tears in his eyes. He answered weakly. His voice was hoarse and he sounded so sad. _

_ “No, Appa.” He replied. He ran his hands through the boys’ hair, soothing his scalp.  _

_ “Good boy.” He whispered before pulling him back to him. _

I quickly paused the video and stared in shock. I clapped my hand over my mouth.

Jinyoung hurt that boy. I looked back down at the locked drawer.  I pushed the seat back and kneeled in front of the desk. I began to feel underneath the desk, until I felt the taped key. I pulled it off and slid the key into the lock. It clicked and I pulled the drawer open. The drawer was filled with pictures of boys younger than the boy in the video. I looked at the pictures. Each boy had the same sad eyes. There were some fully naked and some just without shirts or pants. Most of them were doing sexually explicit poses.  I grabbed a stack of them and held them to my chests as my eyes began to water. I thought about what Jinyoung’s first wife had said about him not being the man he seemed to be and now I knew she was right. I ran to our room and stuffed the pictures into one of my bags. I shoved the bag underneath my bed. I ran back to his office with a flash drive and downloaded the video. I shoved the video in my pocket. I walked down to the kitchen and sat at the table, unsure of what to do. 

 

“Oh, you’re up late,” Jinyoung said as he walked into the room. I nodded and he walked over to me. He leaned down and kissed me on the top of the head. I flinched. 

“What’s the matter?” He asked. 

“Why do you stay at the offices for so long?” I asked quietly and he looked at me for a moment.

“You know that I have a lot of work to do. I’m the President of an Idol company that hosts dozens of groups and artists,not mentioning the actors or dancers and all of the trainees. I also write and produce for all of my bands. What do you want me to say? I’m busy and you know that,” He said and I bit my lip. 

“You’re not sleeping around on me, are you?” I asked and he looked at me. 

“Of course I’m not sleeping with another woman, don’t be ridiculous,” He said and I looked down. 

“A man?” I asked. It was quiet for a moment. 

“What did you just say to me?” He asked and I took a deep breath. 

“I asked if you were sleeping with men, Park Jinyoung.” I said and his face turned red. He grabbed the front of my shirt and pushed me into the wall. 

“You will address me with respect,” He said and I clenched my teeth. 

“Fine, are you sleeping with men, Park Jinyoung-ssi?” I asked him and he slapped me in the face. 

“You do not question me or make these accusations, Do you hear me? Never disrespect me like that again,” He hissed. I looked in his eyes and I saw it. He was scared.

I caught him.

I bowed as he pushed away from me. 

“I understand you clearly,” I said and walked up the stairs to our room. I closed the door and slid the lock. I heard as he walked up the staircase after me, his steps lumbering.

“Jagiya,” He called through the door. 

“I would like to be alone tonight,” I called back as I pulled the bag from beneath the bed. I began to pile clothes into it. 

“Come on, open the door,” He said and I ignored him. He sighed. 

“I’m sorry I got so rough with you,” He said and I ignored him. I pushed the flash drive into my bag. 

“I’ll give you the night to cool off, okay?” He said and walked from the door. I sat on the floor and thought about my next step.

I couldn't let what he was doing to those boys continue.


	4. Going home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung goes home and tells his parents what happened. Coda to chapter 12

I stared down at my phone, my hands shaking as the cab approached my parent’s house.

I was so afraid of what they were going to say and part of me had wished I’d gone home with Jaebum instead. 

I should have wanted to get it off my chest, I’d been lying to my family for so long. 

But the lie was easier than the truth. 

It was easier to say that I was having fun, that JYP was amazing, that he’d taken me under his arm like the junior I was purported to be rather than reveal the truth, reveal what that man had been doing to me under guise of choice and betterment.

“Wait, Wait please,” I called out to my driver, my voice laced with panic.

The man stopped the car, looking back at me through the rear view mirror. 

“Could you just… just sit here for a couple of minutes? You can keep the meter running, i don’t care, I’ll pay you extra,” I muttered, my heart fluttering in my chest.

“Are you okay kid?” The driver asked and I shook my head, unbuckling my seatbelt and pushing open the car door. 

I dropped to my knees on the side of the road, my hands clutching the dying grass as my stomach roiled. 

I could feel saliva filling my mouth and I tried not to fight the feeling of my throat spasming, of the contents of my stomach sliding up my esophagus. 

I’d feel so much better once I got it all out.

I dry heaved for awhile before my body was satisfied and my stomach emptied itself into the dry grass. 

I fell back on my butt, wiping my mouth off before wiping my shaking hands in the grass. 

I picked up my phone, which had tumbled onto the grass next to me, and unlocked the screen. 

I dialed my first speed dial before putting the phone up to my ear. 

“I can’t do it Jaebummie, I can’t do it,” I whimpered into the receiver, foregoing any greetings, once he picked up.

“What’s wrong, are you okay?” Jaebum asked me and I shook my head, pulling my knees up to my chest. 

“I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t tell them, I can’t walk into that house and-” I scrambled back up onto my knees as I felt my stomach flip again and I retched loudly. 

“Jinyoung-”

“Can’t you just come get me, please, I can’t- I can’t do this,” I whimpered and I heard him sigh.

“Your parent’s are expecting you, and you know that you want to see them just as much as they want to see you.”

“Please hyung, please,” I sobbed and I heard his voice break.

“Jinyoungie please don’t cry. I hate to hear you like this. Just- just go for the night. You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to. Just stay for the night. If you’re still not okay, I’ll come, I’ll drive down and get you I swear.”

“Okay,” I relented.

“I love you so much, you’re so brave Jirongie, so brave.” He whispered and I closed my eyes. 

I didn’t feel so brave. 

“I love you too,” I whispered back weakly before hanging up the phone.

I got back into the cab and the man raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Are you going to throw up again?” He asked and I shook my head.

“No, I’m sorry, I must have eaten something bad,” I lied and the man eyed me, taking in my red rimmed eyes and blotchy face. 

“Whatever it is kid, I’m sure it can’t be that bad,” The man tried to help and I wiped at my eyes.

“Thank you. You can continue to drive.”

We pulled up to the dock and I gave the man his money, tipping him extra before taking my bags from him. I got in the boat, making my way across the water and to my neighborhood, trying to fight down the nausea that was fighting to take over me.

I knocked on the front door and the door opened quickly, my eomma pulling me into her arms. 

“You’re home, come in, I’ve missed you,” She exclaimed, rushing me into the house. I barely had time to take my shoes off before she was pulling me even further into the room.

We sat down on the couch, her pulling at my clothes, wiping at my face, trying to low-key check me for signs of trauma.

“I told your sisters not to come down just yet, that maybe in a day or two if you wanted, they could come visit. I figured that whatever happened, you probably needed some alone time. Do you want something to eat? I’ve got dinner on the stove, can you eat a meal, or are you on a diet? How’s this new company treating you?” She rushed out and I took a deep breath, deflating a little into the seat. 

It was evident how worried she had been about me.

I couldn't imagine how my Abeoji felt.

“I did want some alone time, I’m not hungry at the moment, yes I can eat a meal, no I’m not on a diet, the new company is fine,” I ticked off and she cupped my hand in hers.

I waited for her to press the subject of why I was here.

She didn't.

“I’m glad to hear you like it,” She whispered, petting my hands softly and I let myself lean into her.

 

I knocked on the doorframe as I entered the living room. I’d just gotten out of the shower, changing out of the clothes I had worn on the way over to something more comfortable. There was something to be said about the way clean pajamas made you feel safer.

“Hi,” I whispered and she looked over from the television program she and my Abeoji were watching. 

“Hey, come and sit with us,” She said, scooting so that there was space between them for me. 

I scooted in between them, pulling my knees up to my chest. 

I opened my mouth and shut it a couple of time.

My eomma muted the television, turning slightly to look at me.

I could feel my appa’s hand falling to my back, rubbing soothing circles. 

I tried not to flinch away from the sentiment. 

I did not succeed.

“I- I have something, something that I want to tell you,” I whispered, drawing circles on my clothed knees. 

“Okay,” my appa whispered. 

I shook my hair into my face before tugging my sleeves over my fists. 

“It’s not- It’s not easy to say, so please be patient with me, and please don’t hate me,” I whispered, my voice cracking. 

“We’d never hate you, never,” My appa whispered and I bit my lip, shaking my hair into my face again. 

I let out a deep breath. 

“You know how we left JYPE secretly, and how I couldn’t say much about it,” I started and I could feel my appa’s hand tense up.

“Yes, I remember, you called and told me that you would tell me why you left later,” My eomma spoke.

“I did, that’s- that’s why I’m… He uh- the reason that GOT7 left JYPE was because- because he’d been hur- raping me and Bambam,” I stuttered out and the room dropped into silence. I knew the silence was shock, not hate, but I still felt the need to apologize and explain myself. 

“I’m sorry- I didn’t want him to touch me, and now- I was just trying to-” I hung my head low as tears began to collect in the corner of my eyes. 

“I’m so sorry,” I whimpered. 

“Don’t- don’t be sorry Jinyoung, you didn’t want him to do that. He’s the one who should be sorry. God, when that news broke, I’d worried so much, but all those kids were so young, I just- I hoped-” My eomma began and I closed my eyes, my tears coming out in sobs.

My appa gripped me tighter, pulling me so that I was in lap like he’d had when JJP disbanded and I was devastated at losing my chance, after I’d gotten under that desk the first time. 

I had wanted to tell him then, but I was so afraid that he would have thought I deserved it, and I was definitely afraid of telling them that I liked boys.

“When did it start?” My appa asked and I hiccupped. 

“The first time he made me have oral sex with him was when JJP disbanded, but he didn’t actually… you know… penetrate me... until last September… that was the first time. But I think that it was much longer than that, that he’d been grooming me since that first audition. He looked at me and he knew… he knew he could get away with it.”

“You did nothing wrong, you hear me, you did nothing wrong. That man was sick, and he exploited you. It wasn’t your fault, nothing you did made it okay for him to do that to you,” My appa explained and I clutched him tighter. 

“I’ve been keeping it from you for so long, I’m sorry. I just- I feel so dirty,” I sobbed, and he hugged me to his chest, making me feel safe in his arms like I had as a child. 

“I know, but it’s not your fault, it’s not.”

I didn’t know what it was about telling my parents, what it was that made a weight lift off of my chest, but it felt good. 

Maybe it was because he was my appa, and she was my eomma. Maybe it was because they didn’t hate me, I didn’t have that fear of being thrown away anymore. 

I don’t know what it was that made me believe what my Appa said to be true.

It wasn’t my fault.


	5. Intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung tries to be intimate with Jaebum.

I watched as Jaebum turned off the light before getting into the bed next to mine. I turned in the bed, looking over at him as he situated himself in the blanket. 

It was quiet for some time and I bit my lip, watching his back.

I scanned my mind for what schedules we had the next day. 

It was just some vocal lessons, no major dancing.

“Jaebum, are you awake?” I whispered into the darkness and I got a mumbled reply before his blanket was opened almost automatically. 

I slipped out of my bed, walking across the narrow aisle that separated our beds before sliding under the blanket that he held open for me.

He turned on his back so that I could prop myself halfway on his chest.    
“Good night,” He half mumbled.

I felt as his hand came down to rub at the nape of my neck, his finger slipping up every so often to caress the hair at the base of my spine. I closed my eyes, sighing in relief, tension automatically leaving my shoulders, before remembering what my goal was. 

It wasn’t to fall asleep in his arms, we did that every other night.

Jaebum and I hadn’t done  _ anything else _ since the first time when I was on autopilot and gave him oral.

Sure, we kissed, but it was tame, and he always stopped it before things got too interesting. 

That was a good thing, considering I hadn’t been in a good state of mind before.

I still disassociated, or at least that’s what my psychologist had called it, but it wasn’t happening so frequently, and I’d been able to pinpoint most of of my triggers, and figure out how to avoid them, or face them. 

But my biggest trigger was sex.

Obviously it was, JYP had systematically abused and raped me for a good portion of my teen years and into my twenties. Those were the years I would have been making sexual connections, and becoming sexually active. He’d hijacked the experience from me, so that it was tainted, and I didn’t know what sex was supposed to be like outside of the violent affair that he’d given me. 

I was getting better about it, I was trying my best to desensitize myself to those types of things. I tried to create positive associations with those types of touches, but of course, it didn’t help that I hadn’t had a sane and consensual sexual experience before and there was only one person that I wanted it with.

“Jaebummie hyung?” I whispered and he angled his head off of his pillow to look over at me. 

“Yes?” He asked and I looked up at him. 

“Ppo ppo,” I whined and he rolled his eyes, leaning down to give me a quick peck. I grabbed his face, deepening the kiss. 

“That was not a ppo ppo,” He teased once I let him go and I shrugged, leaning back up to kiss him. 

I crawled over him, pushing his shirt up. I tried to figure out a good balance to be on him and also move my hips experimentally without falling off of the twin sized bed. I found an easy rhythm that almost felt like dancing. There was barely any buzzing in the back of my mind. 

Two months ago, I would have already zoned out. 

He grabbed my hips, stilling me on top of him.

“Enough of that, come on, let’s go to sleep,” He sighed, pulling his head back and away and I frowned. 

“What? why?” I asked, chasing his lips and he shook his head. 

“Come on Jinyoung, we need to sleep.”

“It’s not that late, and we have easy schedules tomorrow, come on Jaebum hyung,” I pouted and he pushed me off of his lap, trying to be gentle, but it didn’t help the rejection I was feeling. 

“Not tonight Jinyoung,” He ground out and I got up off of the bed, moving back to my bed. “Where are you going? Come on nyoungie, don’t be like this. Come back over here,” He called and I shook my head, pulling my blanket over my head. I rolled over onto my stomach, burying my head in the pillow.

I felt foolish hiding in the blanket, but I felt foolish being rejected by Jaebum like that.

“No,” I whimpered and he sighed. 

“Jinyoung, come on, don’t be stubborn. Just come back to bed.” 

“No. Why should I? So I can platonically spoon with my boyfriend? So I can lay next to you and know that you don’t want me? That you see me like a child, not like a man? No thanks, I’ll stay over here, in our matching little twin beds and we can keep my pretend virginity intact. Don’t worry, I won’t make you dirty,” I spat out and he got out of bed, stomping over to my bed. He grabbed the blanket and I gripped it too, trying to pull it from him. He huffed before pulling my blanket harder, yanking it from over my head and to the floor.

“Stop it Jaebum,” I whined and he rolled me over onto my back. 

“Is that what you think? You think I think you’re dirty?” He asked and I sat up, pushing my palms into my eyes as I pulled my knees to my chest.

“What else am I supposed to think? You don’t even- we’ve never done anything, and you don’t seem to want to even do anything with me, and I get it, I get why you don’t want to. I’m disgusting and he made me that way, but damn it, you could fucking try, Jaebum,”   
“That’s why we haven’t done anything, that’s why right there Jinyoung,” He said and I bit my lip. 

I knew he thought I was dirty, but I never thought I’d ever hear him confirm it. 

I tucked my hands in my armpits to keep from letting him see them shake, 

“Because I’m dirty?” I whispered, my voice cracking and he shook his head, sitting on the bed in front of me. 

“No, because you think that way. Jinyoung, I want you. I want you so much it hurts,” He breathed, taking one of my hands between his and squeezing it. 

“Then take me,” I whispered. 

“That’s the problem, I can’t take something if you want to share it with me. You’re not something that can be used up and left behind, you’re not dirty, but you think you are, and until you are better, until you look at sex as something that isn’t so violent, it won’t work. I’m not going to hurt you Jinyoung, no matter how much you want me to.” 

“But can’t you tell that I’m better? I’m working hard to be better hyung, why can’t you- why can’t you see that, I just don’t want to associate that with him anymore, I want you to be there instead,” I whimpered, wiping at the tears that had begun to stick to my lashes. 

“I know you’re working to get better, we all are, but can you respect that I’m not ready for that yet, and it has nothing to do with you being dirty, or used, or whatever else you think, but because I’m scared?” He asked me and I paused. 

“You’re scared? what are you scared of?” I asked. 

What could he possibly be scared of when it came to this?

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you, I’m afraid that I’m going to make things worse. You’re not glass, you’re not fragile, I know, but I- I keep seeing that look on your face- and i don’t want to put that look on your face again. It scared me so bad and I just don’t think I can handle that kind of thing for a while. Please just- I need to get better too Jinyoung,” He whispered and I leaned forward, capturing him in a hug. 

He took a deep breath out.

“Can we do this still?” I asked and he snorted. 

“Yes you can hug me, don’t say stupid things,” He teased. 

“And can we still kiss?”

“Yes,” he answered, giving me a peck on the cheek.

“And maybe we could work our way up to something else, something non-penetrative?” He asked quietly. 

“Yeah, just maybe not oral,” I offered and he nodded against my cheek.

“You know I love you, and even if we never have sex-”

“Oh please don’t say that,” I groaned and he plucked my forehead softly.

“Like I was saying, even if we don’t- I’ll still love you.” He confessed and I closed my eyes, letting my face lean more into his as my arms caged his shoulders.

“I love you too,” I whispered and he leaned forward until I was halfway lounging in the bed.

He wiggled out of my grasp, pulling me down so I was lying down before tucking his head under my chin.

“We’re okay?” He asked and I nodded. 

“We’re okay,” I answered, reaching my hand off of the bed to grab the blanket. 

We’d be okay.


	6. Telling The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faced with the aftermath of Wonpil's suicide, Jinyoung decides to come clean to fans.

I sat on the floor of my room, my legs crossed. I was in front of my bed, my back leaned against the bed. 

There was a knock on my door and I looked up. 

“You okay?” Jaebum asked and I nodded, looking down at my phone. 

“Yeah, I just- I just want to be alone for a little bit, is that okay?” I asked him and he nodded, walking into the room to kiss my forehead. 

“I’ll be in the living room with the boys, if you need me, all you have to do is call,” He explained and I nodded. 

“I will, I promise,” I whispered.

“Come in there when you’re ready?” He whispered and I nodded again, giving him a small wave.

He closed the door behind him and I looked down at the phone in my hands before putting it back down.

The news had dropped a little over a week ago.

I couldn’t- I couldn’t imagine what must have-

That’s not true. 

I could imagine it, I could imagine why he’d-

He must have felt so alone.

He wasn’t the only one that JYP had hurt- but he was the only one on trial with the man. 

The trainees were too young to be involved, and no one else had come forward. 

The trial wasn’t filmed, so no one knew that I’d testified.

I had gotten everything, and he got nothing. 

I hadn’t had the world see me on my knees.

I felt like I was living a lie.

 

I picked up my phone, flipping it over in my hand before unlocking it and opening the top news stories. 

Wonpil’s story had faded away quickly, covered up by comebacks and op-ed’s about albums and other things. I had expected as much, there were so many things going on, and they, Day6, had been effectively disbanded the day the news dropped. The industry was so fast paced, things seemed to break every second that trumped the last big thing. Dating scandals, and weight loss, and everything else under the sun trumped this.

I closed my news app before clicking on V-LIVE. 

I logged out of mine, relogging into the group account with the group credentials before pressing record. 

I put the phone down in front of me, making sure I could see my face. I pulled on the edge of my sleeves, pulling them over my fists before tucking my hands under my chin.

“Hey everyone! I know it’s kind of late, but uh- I missed talking to you all, and I uh- I want to get something off my chest,” I began before looking down at the comments bar, trying to read what people were saying. 

It was the normal things, 

_ Hello from Argentina _

_ So handsome _

_ Hello from Turkey _

_ Oppa!!! _

_ Love from Malaysia _

I stopped when I saw a comment that seemed to disappear almost as fast as it came. 

_ i’m sorry about wonpil _

It was in English, and was gone so fast, I doubted that I’d actually seen it.

But I had seen it. 

“I uh- thank you all for your well wishes, GOT7 is doing fine here, we’ll be coming back soon I promise, we’re working really hard!” I said before taking a deep breath. 

“I- I just wanted to-” I stopped, rubbing the back of my neck.

This was harder than I thought it was going to be. 

I took a deep breath. 

“I wanted to tell you guys the truth. I hope that you all will respect my privacy and I thank you all for doing that in the past, and I hope you’ll continue to in the future. I just- It feels fake not telling you the truth. I feel like a liar, and I don’t want to lie anymore. Not about this, because it’s not- I shouldn’t have to keep this to myself,” I heard a knock on the door.

“Jinyoung, what are you doing?” I heard Jaebum ask, his voice trying to stay calm, even though he sounded panicked, as if he were worried about what I was going to admit to and I cleared my throat. 

“I’m on Vlive,” I called out. 

“Yeah, I know, I’m monitoring it.”

The comments were going crazy as they recognized Jaebum’s voice. 

“Are you sure about this?” Jaebum asked and I pushed my hands through my hair. 

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to...” He trailed off and I nodded to myself, trying to build up my resolve.

Did I want him to be with me, did I want him to offer support?

“Yes,” I called and he twisted the knob. 

“Can you monitor in the hall?” I asked, and the door closed again.

I needed to do this alone.

“I’m out here, if you need me,” He called through the wood and I took a breath as I heard him slide down the wall to watch. 

The dorm had gone quiet, no doubt the rest of the boys had picked up their phones to watch what I had to say.

“Sorry- sorry about that, I just- I wanted to tell you guys this, get it off my chest once and for all. I am tired keeping his secrets, and I shouldn't have to. I… I was raped by J.Y. Park as well. He’d been systematically abusing me since I joined the company. I’m sorry for not being truthful with it all, but- I was afraid, and I thought that getting away from him, that seeing him on trial would be enough, just having the public know what kind of man he was would be enough, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t enough because I wasn’t being truthful, because I was still carrying that hurt. It wasn’t enough, because- because I could have been Wonpil hyung.”

My eyes began to tear up and I wiped at the tears, trying to catch them before they fell. 

“I know that I’m risking a lot in telling you all this, I know that some of you may not want to be my fan after this, and I understand, if that’s what you want. But, no one should be alone, no one should be forced to go through it alone,” I whispered and the knock on the door was back. 

“Nyoungie?” I heard Jaebum whisper softly and I got up, opening the door.

“I’ll- I’ll try to come back on later and talk more, I’m sorry guys. I can’t right now,” I whispered before turning off the feed. 

He hugged me tight and I buried my head in his shoulder, sobbing.

“He- He-” I stuttered out, crying and he hugged me tighter.

I curled up into a ball and let Jaebum hold me.

“It's not fair, it's not fair what he did you us,” I cried.

"I know, baby I know," Jaebum soothed me.

“I can't believe Wonpil's gone,” I sobbed out, and Jaebum held me even tighter, trying to keep me together.

I appreciated the effort.

I couldn't get the thought out of my head. That could have been me, I could have easily been in Wonpil's shoes, his death could have been mine.

Why wasn't it?


End file.
